THE ASYLUM: inspired by Douglas Adams' assertion that a world that needs to print instructions on a pack of toothpicks is completely beyond hope...
24-07-07: Staff at swimming pools in Bournemouth have been banned from lending inflatable armbands to children in case someone picks up an infection blowing them up. The "health & safety" ruling is despite the fact that children may drown as a result... Submitted by Duncs
24-07-07: Durham council told a Buddhist that he couldn't call his restaurant "fat Buddha" in case it caused offence - to Buddhists...
And in Burnley a black dustman was given a verbal warning for wearing a bandana with the Cross of St George on it as it was considered "racist"... Submitted by CJ
24-07-07: Organisers in Horwich, Lancashire, have already been forced to cancel the Remembrance Day ceremony they were due to hold on November 11 after they were hit with a safety bill of £18,000. New charges levied by police and the local council for "health & safety reasons" will have repercussions for small towns and villages across the UK who are unable to fund large safety bills. Article Submitted by Duncs
22-07-07: An author, frustrated by having his submissions turned down by publishing companies, tested out a theory that even Jane Austen would have difficulty getting her works accepted. He re-typed her famous classics Pride and Prejudice, Northanger Abbey and Persuasion - simply changing a few names - then submitted them to 18 publishers using very similar titles. Only one publisher realised he had plagiarised some world-famous titles; the others all turned them down... Article Submitted by Jackie
20-07-07: The book-sellers Waterstones have made a financial contribution to Childline, as rumours of the death of a leading character in the last of the Harry Potter 'novels' sparks fears of a surge in demand. Telephone counselors have been asked to work extra shifts... Submitted by Duncs
20-07-07: Disappointment in financial circles that profits declared by Google for the last three months were $925million! This was an increase on the $721million earned in the same quarter last year, but down on the $1billion of this year's previous quarter... Sad, eh? Submitted by CJ
19-07-07: In Germany, a woman was thrown off a bus for being too sexy. The bus driver complained that she was distracting him... Article Submitted by Groper
18-07-07: A poll by The Stroke Association showed that people would respond more quickly to losing a bank card than to the symptoms of a stroke. The results were that 88% would respond immediately to the loss of a bank card, but 34% would wait 24 hours if they had symptoms of a stroke such as speech problems, facial or arm weakness. This is maybe explained by the fact that 33% didn't realise that a stroke causes immediate brain damage and that urgent treatment is vital. Report Submitted by CJ
17-07-07: When the British Royal Family changed its name to "Windsor" on this day in 1917 (to sound less German), the Kaiser invited them to a special performance of a Shakespearean play: The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Submitted by Carol
17-07-07: One third of householders now admit to keeping a "weapon" to use against intruders - usually a baseball bat, golf club or cricket bat. Wow! you wouldn't find me ke... What? Oh. Yes. The hockey stick... Hmmm... Submitted by CJ
16-07-07: A British explorer has braved sub-zero temperatures to become the first person to swim at the North Pole. Lewis Gordon Pugh took to the freezing waters in just his Speedo swimming briefs, cap and goggles to highlight the devastating impact of climate change on the natural world. Article Submitted by Chris
16-07-07: Garden birds too loud says council - a great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise from wild birdsong in her garden. Really. Article Submitted by Chris
16-07-07: (Monday) More letters were received by Tesco threatening some sort of bomb attack scheduled for Saturday 14th July. Blackmailers obviously so incompetent that they hadn't factored in the postal strike scheduled for Thursday & Friday...Submitted by CJ
16-7-07: An 8-year-old boy couldn't fly home from a trip to see his sister after his name popped up on a no fly list and airlines banned him from flying in fear he might be a terrorist. Article
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15-07-07: A teacher from Toronto
got an email to say that his mate was getting married on 6th July, so he flew 3,500 miles to Cardiff. Only he was a year early... The wedding was planned for next year. He says he'll be back... Story
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15-07-07: A bunch of schoolgirls on a geography fieldtrip launched a rescue mission after they were scared by a herd of cows. Seven girls, between 14 & 15 had been dropped off three miles from their field centre in Dorset and told to navigate their way back. When they found the cows blocking their way they used their mobiles to call their parents and then just waited for help to arrive...
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The average family in the UK spends £3.60 per week on gambling - and £2.80 on fruit...
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52% of the British population visit a fish and chip shop at least once per week...
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The average adult in the UK spends 3 hours per day watching TV.
The main reason that they cite for not taking more exercise is lack of time...
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A radical new secondary school curriculum has just been announced by the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority in response to complaints that previous instructions to teachers were too rigid. Their political masters - who obviously know everything there is to know about teaching - had insisted that the Second World War be included in the History curriculum. Strangely though, there is no mention in the QCA guidance of Winston Churchill, the wartime Prime minister who led the country to victory...
Wasn't Winnie the person voted last year as the winner of the Great Britons poll featured on the BBC programme of the same name?
Link
Oh, and the History curriculum doesn't mention Hitler or Stalin either. Lessons about WW2 might be a bit of a mystery with these three missed out...
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Two managers returned to work one evening to find that their office light was on - and the computer was in use. It had been used for a search on "cracking a safe". A disgruntled former employee had hidden in the toilets until everyone had gone home, had a go at the safe, then resorted to a Google search when he couldn't get into it...
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A children's party clown used to include in his act a bubble-making machine so that kids could chase multi-coloured bubbles around. No more! He tried six insurers, but none would cover him. Ironically, he now has to resort to juggling and clowning, but it was the juggling that first caused him to contact insurers - anyone juggling in public has to have public liability insurance. (Well, I didn't know that!) A council told him that they had banned bubbles because they thought the soap solution was "lethal". Luckily, it seems jelly and ice-cream will still be allowed at parties...
Daily Mail 14-6-07
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EU rules brought in to protect wildlife require anyone who has acquired any part of a protected species since 1994 to register it with the authorities. Since this includes otters and badgers, and since parts of these beasties were once used for making sporrans, owners of traditional items will be required to register them and get a licence..
Fishing flies made with animal hair may also require to be registered. Trivial? Those who do not comply risk a £5,000 fine or six months in jail.
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Afghanistan 's production of opium--the raw material for heroin--increased nearly 50 percent to 6,700 tons in 2006 from 4,500 tons in 2005. In 2006, Afghanistan accounted for 92 percent of global illicit opium production, due to increased cultivation and to rising crop yields, according to the U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime.
And this is despite the country having been occupied for five years by British and American forces... The ghastly Taleban regime that they are attempting to oust actually banned opium growing, and was very effective at enforcing its ban!
Report
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There are now more mobile phones in the UK than there are people.
Worldwide, the first quarter of 2007 has seen some 256,400,000 handsets being shifted.
Go on! Admit it! Did you let this business opportunity slip by you?
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A shy, young Polish man was happy to get a job as a cleaner at the Law Department of the University of Glasgow. He didn't think to mention that he has studied music at one of Poland's finest music academies. His talent was revealed when a webcam broadcast him giving a superb rendition of some Chopin on the piano in the University Chapel, although he thought he was in an empty room.
Now he has been encouraged to give some concerts - firstly in the Chapel, then at
Glasgow's West End Festival.
Although he has long-term dreams of teaching piano, or even becoming a concert pianist, for now he has opted to keep his cleaning job...
See full Report, Daily Mail 19-6-07
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Many news programmes ran an item about the fact that the government had changed rules about who is responsible for credit card fraud - without publicising the fact. Relieving the police of the duty to record so many crimes that they can't do anything about is one thing, but BBC Newsnight reported a guy who had spotted through his online banking that someone else had made a purchase using his card. And even though he could give them the name, address and time of delivery for the purchase they refused to act in any way!
See Report on AOL
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The BBC did what only the BBC could do - it commissioned a report to criticise itself...
The report noted that the BBC had "come late" to several important stories in recent years, including Euroscepticism and immigration , which as it happens, were "off limits" in terms of a liberal-minded comfort zone". Research for the 80-page report showed that viewers were "frustrated" by political correctness at the BBC.
One programme criticised was a Christmas edition of the Vicar of Dibley, written by Richard Curtis, a leading figure in the Make Poverty History campaign, which included a minute-long video by the group urging people to support them...
Staff were told to avoid imposing their own liberal assumptions on the audience and told to "embrace a broader range of opinion".
So give thanks to a report that was so politically correct that it criticised them for being too politically correct...
See full Article in Daily Mail
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One in eight trees felled worldwide is for tobacco production.
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The UK government is to ease prison crowding by permitting the early release of 25,500 prisoners. They will be released up to 18 days early. However, it has realised that it must compensate them for "loss of bed and board"! With payouts up to £172, that makes a total cost of £4.5 million...
ITV Teletext 23-6-07
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Re-runs of a TV commercial from the 1950's which urged viewers to "go to work on an egg" have been banned.
An advertising watchdog said the slogan went against the principle of eating a balanced diet.
The Egg Information Service had wanted to screen the advert, which featured comedian Tony Hancock, to celebrate its 50th birthday.
Author Fay Weldon, who headed the team that came up with the slogan, has described the decision as absurd.
BBC Ceefax 20-6-07
See the original ad on Video
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On BBC's The Apprentice, candidate Katie turned down a place in the final to return to her £90,000 pa job as a Marketing Consultant with the Met Office!
£90k marketing the Met Office? A tough job indeed, promoting the organisation that has virtually given up forecasting in favour of its new invention "The Nowcast".
Stop Press: She got fired! Aaah....
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A panel of Law Lords, the highest court in the land, has ruled that UK human rights laws do apply to a civilian who died in British custody in Iraq. The ruling is over the UK's obligations under the European Convention of Human Rights as applied to conduct of British troops operating within a foreign territory.
The Lords found that the UK had "extra-territorial jurisdiction" and that both the European Convention and the domestic Human Rights Act applied as he was being held in custody. The death occurred at a time when the UK was the occupying power in Iraq under international law.
But appeals in the cases of 5 other Iraqi civilians who were shot in the streets of Basra while Britain was the occupying power there, have been thrown out. They were not being detained, but were allegedly shot and fatally wounded by UK armed forces in the course of "patrol" operations...
Of course, the paradox now is that British troops may feel that it is safer for them to shoot some-one than to take them into custody...
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A
90-year-old pensioner had to be rescued from the hard shoulder of a motorway after he took a wrong turn on his electric scooter. Concerned motorists called police when they saw the man on the westbound hard shoulder of the M27 near Whiteley, Hampshire, plodding along at 5mph. A police spokeswoman said the confused man got lost after traveling on the scooter from his home in Locksheath to a shopping centre in Whiteley.
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Many British people are unaware that the ingredients for produce such as bacon, porridge, bread and beer come from farms, a survey suggests.
The Linking Environment and Farming organisation found that 22% of 1,073 adults questioned did not know bacon and sausages originate from farms.
Some 47% of people did not know that farms produce porridge's main ingredient...
BBC Ceefax 8-6-07
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A crematorium on Nottinghamshire has been told that it must remove all of its benches because they are too low. An official went round with a tape measure, measuring everything for compliance with the disability discrimination Act 2005. It means that the buttocks of infirm people are below the point at which they can easily return to the standing position. So they will all have to be replaced at a cost of £20,000.
And every other memorial bench in every other crematorium and cemetery will have to be checked too... The bill could run into millions...
Daily Mail 5-6-07
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Customers queued overnight in the rain to be the first through the door at a new Lidl supermarket opening in Leith...
The Scotsman 5-6-07
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Brit burnt German towels:
A British coach driver got so fed up with German tourists bagging every sunbed that he set fire to their towels. Glyn Bowden, 55, was locked up by police in Italy after his early morning raid, reports the Daily Mail.
He was coach driver for a party of 55 British holidaymakers at Viana Marina, near San Remo, on the Italian Riviera.
The first time the group from South Wales complained to him about the German sunbed baggers, he said "Leave it to me" and dumped all of the towels at the end of the pool.
Mr Bowden said: "The following morning the Germans put them down even earlier so I did the same - with them shaking their fists at me from their windows.
"The next morning about 20 towels were there again so I collected them up, put them on a pile on the beach - and lit them. All the British tourists were cheering. But just a few minutes afterwards three police officers turned up and arrested me. They were going to charge me with criminal damage but the hotel - which owned the towels -intervened on my behalf."
Mr Bowden, from Tonyrefail, near Rhonda, added: "The Germans thought they owned the private beach but I wanted to make sure my tourists got a crack of the whip."
AOL 29-5-07
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The Teletubbies are set to be banned in Poland after a government media watchdog decided they encouraged homosexuality.
The children's TV programme has fallen foul of Poland's government-appointed Children's Rights spokesperson, who believes the show is "gay propaganda".
A special committee has been appointed to examine the claims, including allegations that Tinky Winky's handbag was breaking down gender barriers and encouraging homosexuality.
AOL 29-5-07
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A grandmother was hit with an £80 fine after her toddler granddaughter dropped crisps on a pavement. Barbara Jubb collected a packet of Quavers dropped by her 20 month old granddaughter Emily, but failed to pick up two stray crisps left on the rain-soaked ground.
Barnara, 57, was spotted by over-zealous council wardens in Crawley and given an £80 on-the-spot fine. The council has apologised and rescinded the fine.
May 2007
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Many American babies and toddlers watch TV and DVD's for an hour per day or more...
At 3 months old, 40% watch up to 1 hour per day regularly.
At 24 months old, 90% of infants watch over 1.5 hours per day...
New Scientist 12th May 2007
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The Police Federation for England and Wales has attacked government targets for their performance. The "target-driven culture" deprives officers of the right to exert common sense and has lead to some "ludicrous decisions". They cite the following:
A young boy removed a slice of cucumber and threw it at another lad. He was arrested on suspicion of assault.
Another was arrested for throwing cream buns at a bus.
Two children were arrested under firearms laws for being in possession of a plastic toy pistol.
One officer was ordered to caution a man for throwing a glass of water over his girlfriend.
A 70-year old pensioner was charged with criminal damage after pruning back his neighbour's conifers.
And a man was arrested for "possession of an egg with intent to throw"...
The Federation insists that they are being forced to "criminalise Middle England" whilst detectives are diverted from tackling more serious crime.
BBC Ceefax and ITV Teletext Tuesday 15th May 2007
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Popular astronomer and presenter of BBC's 'The Sky At Night' is a well known eccentric who decided to share some forthright views after even the 650th edition of his programme was shown late at night...
He says that TV is worse today because it is run by women. Women newsreaders are "jokey", and he predicts that eventually we will have different tv channels to cater for the needs of the different sexes.
Also, he would rather be "dead in a ditch" than appear on Celebrity Big Brother...
And popular soap Eastenders "is true to life - but so is diarrhoea".
ITV Teletext Tuesday 8th May 2007
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A man from Newquay was feeling unwell, so he went to hospital, had a scan and.... Sadly, they told him that he had a large growth on his pancreas - and pancreatic cancer is invariably fatal. How long to live?, he asked. Doctors at the Royal Cornwall Hospital guessed at 6 - 12 months. So he went off and spent everything he had on a lavish lifestyle.
But 2 years later he is still alive. It seems that there was a misdiagnosis by the hospital - he just had non-fatal pancreatitis... So now he is suing the NHS.
ITV Teletext Monday 7th May 2007
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The UK government was apparently concerned about the teaching of controversial history subjects, and therefore funded some research by the Historical Association.
Apparently, some schools avoid the teaching of some subjects such as the Holocaust. It seems that teachers fear meeting anti-Semitic sentiment - especially from Muslim pupils.
They also fear that the way that the slave trade is taught could leave both white and black children feeling alienated...
BBC Ceefax 2-4-07
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Colin Montgomerie is renowned as one of the foremost European golfers of the last decade. In the course of his successful career he has become a multi-millionaire. Sadly, in February 2006, he and his wife Eimarr agreed a clean break divorce settlement of £8million, in return for Eimear giving up any claim on Montgomerie's future earnings.
Her grounds for divorce? Unreasonable behavior due to his obsession with golf! (Apparently that left her suffering from anxiety and depression.
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And never forget:
The average person on the average day, feels "below average". (See Scientific)
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